If you receive an e-mail from the NHS telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu,

ignore it.

It's just Spam

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a poo

what did the cat actor say to the other cat actor

tabby or not tabby

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?

Open toad

A pair of eyes walk into a bar .

The barman says "im not serving yous , your out of your face"

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster."

And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint".

What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl.
"It's a horny b@st@rd!"

what's a Hindu ?

it lays eggs

why cant owls go courting in the rain?

Cause its too wet to woo.

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi Jammin..

why was the broom late for work?
cause it overswept

doctor doctor i feal like a coconut?
well your bounty

Got sacked from my job as a pilot

Company didn't like my altitude

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

Michael Owen is in a nightclub. He spots a gorgeous young lady in there, and he goes up to her, squeezes her a*se and asks her if she fancies a sh*g.
She says: "Blimey, you're a little forward, aren't you?"

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke
said "Kenwood ?"
I said, "Where is he then?"

I just walked by an old man who kept saying, "One, three, five, seven, nine... one, three, five, seven, nine..."

I thought, "How odd."

On my way home from work I stopped off at the petrol station to put some air in my tyres as they were a bit flat.
So I put the air in and went inside to pay.
The cashier said to me "£2 please".
"£2!" I said, "It's air for crying out loud, it shouldn't be that expensive!"
"Well", he replied, "That's inflation for you".

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder.
He says to the bartender, "A double whiskey for me and," pointing to the lizard, "A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here."
"Why do you call him Tiny?" asked the bartender.
The man answered,
"Because he's my newt."

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that
one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home!"

What do you call a dwarf that falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find
his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.

A guy walks into a GP's surgery. "Doctor , Doctor! He cries , "you've
got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into coconut"
Says the doctor, "You're bountae "

What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.

There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays ?
The wan wi a wee calf.

Hear about the lonely prisoner ?
He was in his cell.

Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow
Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler.

A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and
tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks. The boy says,
" I play the part of the Scottish husband " . The
mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher
you want a speaking part!

Did ye hear aboot the deef Pirate?
He'd nae buckaneers

Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar.The first one said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."

"Oh aye really, hmm, didna ken that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"

"Oh, jings, I didna ken that, thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He is unshakeable!"

The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder and said...

"Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

"Aye, so yer mates were sayin...."

xxxx

Two old guys, Bob and Tam, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about bowling, like they do every day. Bob turns to Tam and says, "Do you think there's bowling in heaven?"

Tam thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's bowling in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Bob passes on. One day soon afterward, Tam is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Tam... Tam..."

Tam responds, "Bob! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Tam," whispers Bob's ghost.

Tam, still amazed, asks, "So, is there bowling in heaven?"

"Well," says Bob, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Tam.

Bob says, "Well... there is bowling in heaven."

Tam says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Bob sighs and whispers, "You're playing next Wednesday."

xxxx

xxxx

Went to the cemetary to put some flowers down the other day ..as i was standing there i noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours go by & they are still walking about wi it ...i thought to myself ..these guys have lost the plot !!

xxxx

xxxx

An elderly couple was attending church services,
about halfway through she leans over and says,
"I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

xxxx

How do you kill an entire circus? Go for the juggler

xxxx

Q: WHAT'S the difference between outlaws and inlaws

A. outlaws are wanted!

xxxx

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A: A Piiig

xxxx

Click here for a cute wee video ------

xxxx

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
Caucasian,
white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two
Wong's
don't make a white, so I think we will name him..

....Are you ready for this???

Sum Ting Wong

xxxx

xxxx

Guy runs into the doctor's surgery " Doc, doc, I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking, for God's sake help me !!!"

The doc says "Well, you're just going to have to be a little patient."

xxxx

The husband ! replies, "Chicken Surprise.

Ah.! .. so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

xxxx

what's green and goes through walls?

casper the friendly cooking apple.

xxxx

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."

xxxx

xxxx

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy!" she yelled, "We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See?" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only go to D, but I went all the way to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G! See?" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 24."

xxxx

xxxx

When Billy was just 4 years old he saw his first tractor, as his dad sighed at having to pace behind the big farm machine, a young Billy was captivated by its size, noise, smell and colour. By the age of 6 he had amassed a large collection of toy tractors in all sizes and when he was 8 his parents bought him a push around toy tractor which he had plenty of fun with right up to the age of 12 or so.

Billy really loved tractors; so much in fact, he took up a part time job at 15, clearing up stables on a farm. He didn't care for horses, or their poop, but he loved his job cos he could spend many sunny hours idling away staring at the tractors at work.

When Billy turned 17 his parents got him possibly the greatest gift he could wish for, they stumped up for his tractor drivers license, which he passed in 1 week, and his own personal shiny, red tractor. He fell in love instantly and drove it everywhere, even to school, but on the eve of his 19th birthday something terrible happened. On one of his country tractor trips, Billy ran over a sheep and the tractor rolled over, crushing his spine and neck. Billy was plunged into a coma and the doctors feared he would never walk again.

Thankfully, several years after the accident, Billy was released from hospital fit and healthy after a long, hard recovery. When he got back into his own bedroom he suddenly broke down, screaming and cowering in the corner...Billy had developed a severe, paralyzing fear of tractors, psychologists obviously singled out the accident as the cause for this.

A few (tractor free) weeks later, Billy's parents took him out to the towns best restaurant for a meal to celebrate his recovery. During their desert, without warning, a fire broke out in the kitchen and quickly raged into the dining area, surrounding all the customers and staff in a fiery circle of destruction. Suddenly, Billy began to take a huge, gasping breath, sucking the air from the room so rapidly the temperature dropped suddenly, and eventually the fire was starved of oxygen and extinguished.

The customers in the restaurant cheered and clapped wildly for Billy had saved their lives, his parents stared on, gob smacked by what he had done.
His dad, puzzled, asked "How did you do that Billy, to which he replied...

"well it's simple really...I'm an ex-tractor fan"

xxxx

xxxx

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."

xxxx

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mamma and Pappa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Pappa bear, he beats me up"
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Pappa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "The Teddy bears who come from Glasgow."
"You're sure they will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Teddy Bears don't beat anybody."

xxxx

Q Why are pirates called pirates?
A Because they arrr

xxxx

xxxx

A south African Loses there leg in an accident working in a gold mine, I'm beat now he says, "Who would want a one legged gold digger?"

ME! - SHOUTS PAUL McCartney....

xxxx

xxxx

Woman takes her rabbit to the vet as it's not been feeling well for some time.

The vet takes one look at the rabbit and informs the owner that the best thing to do would be to put it down. He said he would do this but there would be a charge of £35.

The woman is not happy with his diagnosis and asks for a second opinion. The vet leaves the rooms and two minutes later arrives back with a dog. The dog jumps up on the table and after a few seconds of examining the rabbit shakes it's head as if to say call it a day.

The woman is still not happy and insists on a third opinion. The vet leaves the rooms and two minutes later arrives back this time with a cat. The cat leaps on to the table and rubs it paws over the poor rabbit. After a short pause (excuse the pun) the cat indiciates that there is no hope for the rabbit and it would be best to put it down.

The woman finally agrees to her rabbit being put down but is astounded when the vet now announces that the cost will be £150. When she questions the vet about the cost he explains that the extra cost is for the LAB RESULTS and the CATSCAN.

xxxx

xxxx

Michael Jackson is in his hotel room, discussing his case with his lawyer.

After a few hours, his lawyer says to him:

"We need to relax and take our minds off things, how about I go rent a DVD?"

"That's a good idea," says Michael in his squeaky voice.

"Shall I get Aladdin?"

"No, just the DVD, I'm already in enough trouble."

xxxx

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter stopped him and asked if he could watch the gates whilst he went to the loo.

Jesus agreed and began letting people in. After a few minutes he saw a stooped old man approaching. He was so old that he could barely walk, and his white beard ran down to the floor.

When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.

"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," said the old man.

Jesus stares curiously at the wisened figure before him, "Father...?" he asked.

The old man looks at Jesus and says,

"Pinocchio...?"