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When my girlfriend said she was leaving me, because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking!

And then I saw her face...

 

 

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia.

I fear the Wurs

 

 

"Is it Roger Daltrey?"

"No."

"Is it Keith Moon?"

"No."

"Is it Pete Townshend?"

"No."

"Is it John Entwistle?"

"Yes."

"Dad, I don't think this is the proper version of Guess Who

 

 

 

Three pigeons in an oven having a party ....

Aga doo doo doo

 

 

I was walking down the road and I saw a sandwich on the pavement, so I started to kick it into the gutter. When a police officer then came across to me and said "I have to caution you", and I said "why?", the officer said "because you disturbing the piece"

 

 

 

So,I see Steven Gerrard has released a book about life at Anfield. It's supposed to be good, but it's got no title.

 

 

I walked by the fridge last night, thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song,

 

when I opened the door it was just chives talkin

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. He notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says “Would you like a pint?”

 

Vincent replies “No, thanks, I’ve got one ear.”

 

 

 

A man goes shooting and manages to kill a deer. He decides to take it home so he can eat it with his family. 
As he and the wife are preparing dinner, they decide not to tell their 2 young sons what it is.

As they are eating the dinner, the 2 sons keep asking what it is but they don't tell them. You'll have to guess it.
After numerous guesses, the Dad says " I'll give you a clue, it's what Mummy calls me sometimes "

The older son spits out his dinner and shouts 
" don't eat it, it's an ar$ehole ! " 

 

 

 

Q: Name a fish beginning with ‘S’.

A: Single

 

 

 

 

Recent research has shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy

----------

 

What’s black and white and eats like a horse? – A Zebra

 

----------

 

Tried to buy a face cloth out the store at the week-end, I thought it would be straight forward but
the guy just gave me a lot of flannel.

 

------------

 

A guy goes for a job interview.

The interviewer asks " What would you consider to be your greatest weakness? "

" honesty " is the reply.

" Honesty, really? I dont think honesty is a weakness "


" I couldn`t give a **** what you think...."

--------

 

Anyone want my collection of Chiropractor Monthly?

I've got a load of back issues.

 

---------------

 

I came home from the pub, went upstairs and said to my wife, "I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight love."

"That's thoughtful of you," she said, "you're drunk and don't want to disturb me?"

"No, I've brought a woman back with me."

 

---

 

The girlfriend just asked me what I was doing on the computer, I said "Looking for cheap flights" She got very excited and said "I love you; it's going to be your lucky night to night..." Which surprised me as she's never been interested in Darts before!!!

----

 

The wife asked for something silk this year for her birthday,no doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong blooming colour

 

-----

 

What's the advantage of living in switzerland?

Well the flag's a big plus.

--

 

The 'Antiques Roadshow' has come to town. 

"Can you look at this please?" says a woman as she struggles to humph a massive metal box on the table.

"Oh I say.. um....Ok" says the expert. "Can I ask where you found this?"

"I found it up the attic. I don't know what it is?" she replies.

Walking around it he gives his expert eye over it. After a couple of minutes he says "Tell me my dear are you insured?" 

"Ooh! I don't know? I think so, I hope so.... Is it worth much then?" she says excitedly.


"I hope you are too my dear" He says "This is your water tank."

--

 

The wife asked for something silk this year for her christmas,no doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour

--

 

 

I've just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday. I tell you what, never again! 

 

 

"I went to the doctor the other day because of the problems with my posture and he gave me a pair of orthodontic shoes"

"Don't you mean orthopaedic?"

"I stand corrected" 

 

 

 

Who will take the second shot in this snooker game? 

Find out after the break.

 

 

Theres been an argument in the middle east over the showing of The Flintstones on TV. The people in Dubai dont get it but the people in Abu Dhabi Do.

 

 

My wife and daughter say they are leaving me cos of my obsession with horse racing.

In fact, I've just looked out the window - AND THEY'RE OFF!

 

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it was stuck up Antony Worall-Thompson's jumper!

 

 

Typical!

The new Maggie Thatcher movie 'The Iron Lady' has been classified PG.

Apparently it's not suitable for miners

 

 

I went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said, "On the bus."

 

 

Insomniacs...............2 more sleeps til christmas

 

 

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

 

______________________________________

 

Did I tell you that last night I woke up to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my room?

First I was afraid. Then I was petrified!

 

Following the death of the human cannonball at The Kent Show a spokesman said, " We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre!"

 

I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "Ops no. Hang on".
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you do it"

 

A blonde Essex girl was sitting watching the news with her husband when the newscaster said "Two Brazilian men died in a horror sky diving accident"

The blonde starts sobbing at the news and turns to her man and says "That's horrible. So many men dying that way"

After a few minutes the blonde, still sobbing, turns to her husband and asks "How many is a brazillion"

 

 

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change my supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

 

 

How do you know Santa has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.


Good King Wenceslas phoned for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him, 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'

 

Did you hear about the man that couldn't come?

He sent his sister

 

 

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"

 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went bowling.

 

 

Q: What’s dead and plays soccer?
A: A ghoulie

 

 

Found my cat in the washing machine this morning.

Still, at least I know he died in Comfort.

 

 

 

How do you make Lady GaGa cry ?

Pokerface !

 

 

'Combine harvester killing'
Man bailed..

 

 

A RAF pilot was flying over Afghanistan when suddenly he noticed 2 magic flying carpets, with machine guns, flying aside each of his wings. Not sure what to do? He takes no chances and blows them out of the skies.

Upon returning to base he tells his tale to the Wing Commander. The boss was furious with the pilot.

What the pilot didn't know was.............They were ALLIED carpets!

 

 

Someone sent me a text today. All it said was...

'A' 'G' 'N' 'B'

I think that's bang out of order.

 

 

 

Young lad walks into a blacksmiths and asks if he has any vacancies.

Blacksmith says he may have and asks if the lad has any experience shoe'ing horses.

Lad replies saying "no never done that but i told a donkey to f- off once

 

 

The body of a pizza shop manager was found yesterday..

He was covered in ham and mushrooms..

Police reckon he topped himself..

 

 

 

 

What's white,3ft tall and sits in the middle of the jungle?

tarzans fridge

 

 

If you receive an e-mail from the NHS telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu,

ignore it.

It's just Spam

 

 

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a poo

 

 

 

what did the cat actor say to the other cat actor

tabby or not tabby

 

 

 

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?

 


Open toad

 

 

What do you call a one-legged, Chinese PE teacher?



Wan Gym Shoe!!

 

how do you make a tissue dance?


put a little boogie in it

 

 

A pair of eyes walk into a bar .

 

The barman says "im not serving yous , your out of your face"

 

 

Jonathon Ross has been arrested for stealing a kitchen utensil.

He said "It was a wisk i was prepared to take"

 

I was walking past the fridge this morning and I thought I heard the onions
singing a song by the Bee Gees.

When I opened the door it was only the chives talking.

 

 

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster."

And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint".

What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl.
"It's a horny b@st@rd!"

 

what's a Hindu ?

it lays eggs

 

why cant owls go courting in the rain?

Cause its too wet to woo.

 

 

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi Jammin..

 

why was the broom late for work?
cause it overswept

doctor doctor i feal like a coconut?
well your bounty

 

Got sacked from my job as a pilot

Company didn't like my altitude

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'


 

Michael Owen is in a nightclub. He spots a gorgeous young lady in there, and he goes up to her, squeezes her a*se and asks her if she fancies a sh*g.
She says: "Blimey, you're a little forward, aren't you?"

 

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke
said "Kenwood ?"
I said, "Where is he then?"

 

I just walked by an old man who kept saying, "One, three, five, seven, nine... one, three, five, seven, nine..."

I thought, "How odd."

 

 

On my way home from work I stopped off at the petrol station to put some air in my tyres as they were a bit flat.
So I put the air in and went inside to pay.
The cashier said to me "£2 please".
"£2!" I said, "It's air for crying out loud, it shouldn't be that expensive!"
"Well", he replied, "That's inflation for you".

 

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

 

A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder.
He says to the bartender, "A double whiskey for me and," pointing to the lizard, "A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here."
"Why do you call him Tiny?" asked the bartender.
The man answered,
"Because he's my newt."

 

 

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that
one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home!"

 


What do you call a dwarf that falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find
his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.


A guy walks into a GP's surgery. "Doctor , Doctor! He cries , "you've
got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into coconut"
Says the doctor, "You're bountae "

What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.


There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays ?
The wan wi a wee calf.

Hear about the lonely prisoner ?
He was in his cell.


Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow
Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler.


A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and
tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks. The boy says,
" I play the part of the Scottish husband " . The
mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher
you want a speaking part!

 

Did ye hear aboot the deef Pirate?
He'd nae buckaneers

 

Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar.The first one said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."

"Oh aye really, hmm, didna ken that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"

"Oh, jings, I didna ken that, thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He is unshakeable!"

The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder and said...

"Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

"Aye, so yer mates were sayin...."

xxxx

Two old guys, Bob and Tam, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about bowling, like they do every day. Bob turns to Tam and says, "Do you think there's bowling in heaven?"

Tam thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's bowling in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Bob passes on. One day soon afterward, Tam is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Tam... Tam..."

Tam responds, "Bob! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Tam," whispers Bob's ghost.

Tam, still amazed, asks, "So, is there bowling in heaven?"

"Well," says Bob, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Tam.

Bob says, "Well... there is bowling in heaven."

Tam says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Bob sighs and whispers, "You're playing next Wednesday."

xxxx

i bought the wife a new bag and a belt.

The hoover now works a treat - Boom! Boom!

xxxx

Went to the cemetary to put some flowers down the other day ..as i was standing there i noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours go by & they are still walking about wi it ...i thought to myself ..these guys have lost the plot !!

xxxx

I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put
it down.

 

xxxx

A group of primary one children were trying very hard to become accustomed to their first year of school.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big Peoples' words!"
She then asked Michael what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember! Use "Big Peoples' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied
"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought really hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH !TE."

xxxx

An elderly couple was attending church services,
about halfway through she leans over and says,
"I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

xxxx

How do you kill an entire circus? Go for the juggler

xxxx

Q: WHAT'S the difference between outlaws and inlaws

A. outlaws are wanted!

xxxx

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A: A Piiig

xxxx

Click here for a cute wee video ------

xxxx

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
Caucasian,
white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two
Wong's
don't make a white, so I think we will name him..

....Are you ready for this???

 

 


Sum Ting Wong

 

xxxx

 

What do you call an Egyptian taxi driver

Tut-an-cum-oot

xxxx

Guy runs into the doctor's surgery " Doc, doc, I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking, for God's sake help me !!!"

The doc says "Well, you're just going to have to be a little patient."

xxxx

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise". The waiter brings
the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two
beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees
two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband ! replies, "Chicken Surprise.


Ah.! .. so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

xxxx

what's green and goes through walls?


casper the friendly cooking apple.

xxxx

 

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." 

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."

xxxx

Patient: “Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I've got some cream for that.

xxxx

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy!" she yelled, "We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See?" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only go to D, but I went all the way to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G! See?" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 24."

xxxx

What do women and dog turds have in common?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up!

xxxx

When Billy was just 4 years old he saw his first tractor, as his dad sighed at having to pace behind the big farm machine, a young Billy was captivated by its size, noise, smell and colour. By the age of 6 he had amassed a large collection of toy tractors in all sizes and when he was 8 his parents bought him a push around toy tractor which he had plenty of fun with right up to the age of 12 or so.

Billy really loved tractors; so much in fact, he took up a part time job at 15, clearing up stables on a farm. He didn't care for horses, or their poop, but he loved his job cos he could spend many sunny hours idling away staring at the tractors at work.

When Billy turned 17 his parents got him possibly the greatest gift he could wish for, they stumped up for his tractor drivers license, which he passed in 1 week, and his own personal shiny, red tractor. He fell in love instantly and drove it everywhere, even to school, but on the eve of his 19th birthday something terrible happened. On one of his country tractor trips, Billy ran over a sheep and the tractor rolled over, crushing his spine and neck. Billy was plunged into a coma and the doctors feared he would never walk again.

Thankfully, several years after the accident, Billy was released from hospital fit and healthy after a long, hard recovery. When he got back into his own bedroom he suddenly broke down, screaming and cowering in the corner...Billy had developed a severe, paralyzing fear of tractors, psychologists obviously singled out the accident as the cause for this.

A few (tractor free) weeks later, Billy's parents took him out to the towns best restaurant for a meal to celebrate his recovery. During their desert, without warning, a fire broke out in the kitchen and quickly raged into the dining area, surrounding all the customers and staff in a fiery circle of destruction. Suddenly, Billy began to take a huge, gasping breath, sucking the air from the room so rapidly the temperature dropped suddenly, and eventually the fire was starved of oxygen and extinguished.

The customers in the restaurant cheered and clapped wildly for Billy had saved their lives, his parents stared on, gob smacked by what he had done.
His dad, puzzled, asked "How did you do that Billy, to which he replied...

"well it's simple really...I'm an ex-tractor fan"

 

xxxx

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

xxxx

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."

xxxx

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mamma and Pappa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Pappa bear, he beats me up"
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Pappa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "The Teddy bears who come from Glasgow."
"You're sure they will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby
bear, "the Teddy Bears don't beat anybody."

xxxx

Q Why are pirates called pirates?
A Because they arrr

xxxx

Did you hear who won the Bangkok marathon?
I heard it was a Thai.

xxxx

A south African Loses there leg in an accident working in a gold mine, I'm beat now he says, "Who would want a one legged gold digger?"

ME! - SHOUTS PAUL McCartney....

xxxx

Q - What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
A - Pat.

xxxx

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in.

xxxx

A man drove into a service station, with two penguins in the back seat of his car. The station attendant asked, "What are you doing with those penguins in your back seat?"
"I don't know. They were there when I got in the car this morning. Got any ideas?"
"Well, you could take them to the zoo."
"Good idea!" said the driver, appreciatively.
A few days later the man was back with the same two penguins. Surprised, the attendant said, "I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo."
"I did and we had a great time. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

xxxx

Come on - How much is she going to make!!!!

xxxx

A man was driving along in his car when he reached a part of the road that had been flooded with water. The man hesitated whether to go through the water or not as he couldn't tell how deep the water was. Just then he saw an old countryman standing by the side of the road. "Excuse me sir" said the man "Do you know how deep the water is?"
"Oh not very deep" said the countryman "You'll be alright to drive through it." The man set off through the water, but his car was engulfed with water and completely filled with water. The man scrambled out and back to the edge of the water. He turned to the countryman and said "You idiot! I thought you said that water wasn't deep."
"Yes its funny that" said the countryman "It only reaches halfway up on those ducks over there!"

xxxx

 

Police cordoned off Glasgow City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

xxxx

A bloke came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You b*****d
You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.

Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"

xxxx

2 mokeys in the bath.
One says "OOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOO"
The other says "Well put some cold in then."

xxxx

A white horse walks into a pub and orders a beer.
The landlord says 'Do you know I have a whiskey named after you?
Horse ' A whiskey called Colin?'

xxxx

Walked into the pub the other night and there was Vincent Van Goch at the bar. "All right mate" I said, "want a pint?" "No your alright", he said, "I've got one ear!"

xxxx

William Shakespeare walks into a pub. The landlord says "Get out, you're bard".

xxxx

Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

xxxx

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

xxxx

A bloke keeps ringing me and singing 'Stand And Deliver' down the line.
I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant!

xxxx

Quasimodo is running down the street, there are loads of kids chasing after him he stops turns and says "look, beat it I've no got yer ball"

xxxx

Woman takes her rabbit to the vet as it's not been feeling well for some time.

The vet takes one look at the rabbit and informs the owner that the best thing to do would be to put it down. He said he would do this but there would be a charge of £35.

The woman is not happy with his diagnosis and asks for a second opinion. The vet leaves the rooms and two minutes later arrives back with a dog. The dog jumps up on the table and after a few seconds of examining the rabbit shakes it's head as if to say call it a day.

The woman is still not happy and insists on a third opinion. The vet leaves the rooms and two minutes later arrives back this time with a cat. The cat leaps on to the table and rubs it paws over the poor rabbit. After a short pause (excuse the pun) the cat indiciates that there is no hope for the rabbit and it would be best to put it down.

The woman finally agrees to her rabbit being put down but is astounded when the vet now announces that the cost will be £150. When she questions the vet about the cost he explains that the extra cost is for the LAB RESULTS and the CATSCAN.

 

xxxx


Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

Apparently he was out standing in his field.

xxxx

Michael Jackson is in his hotel room, discussing his case with his lawyer.

After a few hours, his lawyer says to him:

"We need to relax and take our minds off things, how about I go rent a DVD?"

"That's a good idea," says Michael in his squeaky voice.

"Shall I get Aladdin?"

"No, just the DVD, I'm already in enough trouble."

xxxx

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter stopped him and asked if he could watch the gates whilst he went to the loo.

Jesus agreed and began letting people in. After a few minutes he saw a stooped old man approaching. He was so old that he could barely walk, and his white beard ran down to the floor.

When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.

"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," said the old man.

Jesus stares curiously at the wisened figure before him, "Father...?" he asked.

The old man looks at Jesus and says,

"Pinocchio...?"

Bavelaw Garage

We carry out all types of general repairs large or small and servicing to all makes and models of cars and light vans at very competitive prices, so why not try us first? we are sure you will be very surprised at the keen prices that we quote you, and the quality of the work which we carry out every time and on time.

 

To book any repairs direct with us on line

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Phone 0131 449 7450

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Balerno,

Edinburgh

EH14 7JB

 

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