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Balerno Bowling Club
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John Summers - Thinking about Bowls
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Full version from Scotmid (Download)
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Balerno Links
Bavelaw Garage
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Balerno Village
Following the death of the human cannonball at The Kent Show a spokesman said, " We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre!"
I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
How do you know Santa has to be a man?
Did you hear about the man that couldn't come?
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went bowling.
Q: What’s dead and plays soccer?
Found my cat in the washing machine this morning.
How do you make Lady GaGa cry ?
'Combine harvester killing'
Man bailed..
A RAF pilot was flying over Afghanistan when suddenly he noticed 2 magic flying carpets, with machine guns, flying aside each of his wings. Not sure what to do? He takes no chances and blows them out of the skies.
Upon returning to base he tells his tale to the Wing Commander. The boss was furious with the pilot. What the pilot didn't know was.............They were ALLIED carpets!
Someone sent me a text today. All it said was...
'A' 'G' 'N' 'B' I think that's bang out of order.
Young lad walks into a blacksmiths and asks if he has any vacancies.
The body of a pizza shop manager was found yesterday..
He was covered in ham and mushrooms.. Police reckon he topped himself..
What's white,3ft tall and sits in the middle of the jungle?
If you receive an e-mail from the NHS telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu, ignore it.
Why did the baker have brown hands?
what did the cat actor say to the other cat actor
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
What do you call a one-legged, Chinese PE teacher?
Wan Gym Shoe!!
how do you make a tissue dance?
A pair of eyes walk into a bar .
The barman says "im not serving yous , your out of your face"
Jonathon Ross has been arrested for stealing a kitchen utensil.
He said "It was a wisk i was prepared to take"
I was walking past the fridge this morning and I thought I heard the onions
singing a song by the Bee Gees. When I opened the door it was only the chives talking.
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers.
what's a Hindu ?
why cant owls go courting in the rain?
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
why was the broom late for work?
Got sacked from my job as a pilot
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
Michael Owen is in a nightclub. He spots a gorgeous young lady in there, and he goes up to her, squeezes her a*se and asks her if she fancies a sh*g.
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, "One, three, five, seven, nine... one, three, five, seven, nine..."
On my way home from work I stopped off at the petrol station to put some air in my tyres as they were a bit flat.
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder.
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
Did ye hear aboot the deef Pirate?
Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar.The first one said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder. xxxx Two old guys, Bob and Tam, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about bowling, like they do every day. Bob turns to Tam and says, "Do you think there's bowling in heaven?" Tam thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's bowling in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Bob passes on. One day soon afterward, Tam is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Tam... Tam..." Tam responds, "Bob! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Tam," whispers Bob's ghost. Tam, still amazed, asks, "So, is there bowling in heaven?" "Well," says Bob, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Tam. Bob says, "Well... there is bowling in heaven." Tam says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Bob sighs and whispers, "You're playing next Wednesday."
xxxx i bought the wife a new bag and a belt. The hoover now works a treat - Boom! Boom! xxxx Went to the cemetary to put some flowers down the other day ..as i was standing there i noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours go by & they are still walking about wi it ...i thought to myself ..these guys have lost the plot !! xxxx I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put
xxxx A group of primary one children were trying very hard to become accustomed to their first year of school.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big Peoples' words!" She then asked Michael what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember! Use "Big Peoples' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied "That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alec thought really hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH !TE." xxxx An elderly couple was attending church services, xxxx How do you kill an entire circus? Go for the juggler xxxx Q: WHAT'S the difference between outlaws and inlaws A. outlaws are wanted! xxxx Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes? A: A Piiig xxxx Click here for a cute wee video ------ xxxx Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two ....Are you ready for this???
xxxx
What do you call an Egyptian taxi driver Tut-an-cum-oot xxxx Guy runs into the doctor's surgery " Doc, doc, I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking, for God's sake help me !!!" The doc says "Well, you're just going to have to be a little patient." xxxx A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband ! replies, "Chicken Surprise.
xxxx what's green and goes through walls?
xxxx A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yes," the Lab replies. "So, what's the story?" The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten euros," the man says. "Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite." xxxx Patient: “Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.” xxxx A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy!" she yelled, "We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See?" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" xxxx What do women and dog turds have in common? The older they are, the easier they are to pick up! xxxx When Billy was just 4 years old he saw his first tractor, as his dad sighed at having to pace behind the big farm machine, a young Billy was captivated by its size, noise, smell and colour. By the age of 6 he had amassed a large collection of toy tractors in all sizes and when he was 8 his parents bought him a push around toy tractor which he had plenty of fun with right up to the age of 12 or so. Billy really loved tractors; so much in fact, he took up a part time job at 15, clearing up stables on a farm. He didn't care for horses, or their poop, but he loved his job cos he could spend many sunny hours idling away staring at the tractors at work. When Billy turned 17 his parents got him possibly the greatest gift he could wish for, they stumped up for his tractor drivers license, which he passed in 1 week, and his own personal shiny, red tractor. He fell in love instantly and drove it everywhere, even to school, but on the eve of his 19th birthday something terrible happened. On one of his country tractor trips, Billy ran over a sheep and the tractor rolled over, crushing his spine and neck. Billy was plunged into a coma and the doctors feared he would never walk again. Thankfully, several years after the accident, Billy was released from hospital fit and healthy after a long, hard recovery. When he got back into his own bedroom he suddenly broke down, screaming and cowering in the corner...Billy had developed a severe, paralyzing fear of tractors, psychologists obviously singled out the accident as the cause for this. A few (tractor free) weeks later, Billy's parents took him out to the towns best restaurant for a meal to celebrate his recovery. During their desert, without warning, a fire broke out in the kitchen and quickly raged into the dining area, surrounding all the customers and staff in a fiery circle of destruction. Suddenly, Billy began to take a huge, gasping breath, sucking the air from the room so rapidly the temperature dropped suddenly, and eventually the fire was starved of oxygen and extinguished. The customers in the restaurant cheered and clapped wildly for Billy had saved their lives, his parents stared on, gob smacked by what he had done. "well it's simple really...I'm an ex-tractor fan" xxxx A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish. "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor" xxxx A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!" "Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster. The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.' "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man. "Rustling." xxxx The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mamma and Pappa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. xxxx Q Why are pirates called pirates? xxxx Did you hear who won the Bangkok marathon? xxxx A south African Loses there leg in an accident working in a gold mine, I'm beat now he says, "Who would want a one legged gold digger?" ME! - SHOUTS PAUL McCartney.... xxxx Q - What will Postman Pat be called when he retires? xxxx What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg? xxxx A man drove into a service station, with two penguins in the back seat of his car. The station attendant asked, "What are you doing with those penguins in your back seat?" xxxx Come on - How much is she going to make!!!!
xxxx A man was driving along in his car when he reached a part of the road that had been flooded with water. The man hesitated whether to go through the water or not as he couldn't tell how deep the water was. Just then he saw an old countryman standing by the side of the road. "Excuse me sir" said the man "Do you know how deep the water is?" xxxx
Police cordoned off Glasgow City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered. It later turned out to be a tax disc. xxxx A bloke came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." That's it! She blows her top! "You b*****d Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!" xxxx 2 mokeys in the bath. xxxx A white horse walks into a pub and orders a beer. xxxx Walked into the pub the other night and there was Vincent Van Goch at the bar. "All right mate" I said, "want a pint?" "No your alright", he said, "I've got one ear!" xxxx William Shakespeare walks into a pub. The landlord says "Get out, you're bard". xxxx Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!" xxxx
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake." xxxx
A bloke keeps ringing me and singing 'Stand And Deliver' down the line. xxxx
Quasimodo is running down the street, there are loads of kids chasing after him he stops turns and says "look, beat it I've no got yer ball" xxxx
Woman takes her rabbit to the vet as it's not been feeling well for some time. The vet takes one look at the rabbit and informs the owner that the best thing to do would be to put it down. He said he would do this but there would be a charge of £35. The woman is not happy with his diagnosis and asks for a second opinion. The vet leaves the rooms and two minutes later arrives back with a dog. The dog jumps up on the table and after a few seconds of examining the rabbit shakes it's head as if to say call it a day. The woman is still not happy and insists on a third opinion. The vet leaves the rooms and two minutes later arrives back this time with a cat. The cat leaps on to the table and rubs it paws over the poor rabbit. After a short pause (excuse the pun) the cat indiciates that there is no hope for the rabbit and it would be best to put it down. The woman finally agrees to her rabbit being put down but is astounded when the vet now announces that the cost will be £150. When she questions the vet about the cost he explains that the extra cost is for the LAB RESULTS and the CATSCAN. xxxx
Apparently he was out standing in his field. xxxx
Michael Jackson is in his hotel room, discussing his case with his lawyer. After a few hours, his lawyer says to him: "We need to relax and take our minds off things, how about I go rent a DVD?" "That's a good idea," says Michael in his squeaky voice. "Shall I get Aladdin?" "No, just the DVD, I'm already in enough trouble." xxxx
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter stopped him and asked if he could watch the gates whilst he went to the loo. Jesus agreed and began letting people in. After a few minutes he saw a stooped old man approaching. He was so old that he could barely walk, and his white beard ran down to the floor. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there. "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," said the old man. Jesus stares curiously at the wisened figure before him, "Father...?" he asked. The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio...?" |
Bavelaw Garage
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