Click here for Retro Games - go on try them......
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder.
He says to the bartender, "A double whiskey for me and," pointing to the lizard, "A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here."
"Why do you call him Tiny?" asked the bartender.
The man answered,
"Because he's my newt."
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that
one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home!"
What do you call a dwarf that falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man
What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.
What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find
his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.
A guy walks into a GP's surgery. "Doctor , Doctor! He cries , "you've
got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into coconut"
Says the doctor, "You're bountae "
What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.
There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays ?
The wan wi a wee calf.
Hear about the lonely prisoner ?
He was in his cell.
Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow
Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler.
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and
tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks. The boy says,
" I play the part of the Scottish husband " . The
mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher
you want a speaking part!
Did ye hear aboot the deef Pirate?
He'd nae buckaneers
Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar.The first one said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."
"Oh aye really, hmm, didna ken that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the shoulder.
"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"
"Oh, jings, I didna ken that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He is unshakeable!"
The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder and said...
"Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"
"Aye, so yer mates were sayin...."
xxxx
Two old guys, Bob and Tam, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about bowling, like they do every day. Bob turns to Tam and says, "Do you think there's bowling in heaven?"
Tam thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's bowling in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Bob passes on. One day soon afterward, Tam is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Tam... Tam..."
Tam responds, "Bob! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Tam," whispers Bob's ghost.
Tam, still amazed, asks, "So, is there bowling in heaven?"
"Well," says Bob, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Tam.
Bob says, "Well... there is bowling in heaven."
Tam says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Bob sighs and whispers, "You're playing next Wednesday."
xxxx
i bought the wife a new bag and a belt.
The hoover now works a treat - Boom! Boom!
xxxx
Went to the cemetary to put some flowers down the other day ..as i was standing there i noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours go by & they are still walking about wi it ...i thought to myself ..these guys have lost the plot !!
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I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put
it down.
xxxx
A group of primary one children were trying very hard to become accustomed to their first year of school.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big Peoples' words!"
She then asked Michael what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember! Use "Big Peoples' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied
"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought really hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH !TE."
xxxx
An elderly couple was attending church services,
about halfway through she leans over and says,
"I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
xxxx
How do you kill an entire circus? Go for the juggler
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Q: WHAT'S the difference between outlaws and inlaws
A. outlaws are wanted!
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Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A Piiig
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Click here for a cute wee video ------
xxxx Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
Caucasian,
white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two
Wong's
don't make a white, so I think we will name him.. ....Are you ready for this???
Sum Ting Wong
xxxx
What do you call an Egyptian taxi driver
Tut-an-cum-oot
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Guy runs into the doctor's surgery " Doc, doc, I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking, for God's sake help me !!!" The doc says "Well, you're just going to have to be a little patient."
xxxx
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise". The waiter brings
the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two
beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees
two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband ! replies, "Chicken Surprise.
Ah.! .. so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
xxxx
what's green and goes through walls?
casper the friendly cooking apple.
xxxx
A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yes," the Lab replies. "So, what's the story?" The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten euros," the man says. "Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."
xxxx
Patient: “Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I've got some cream for that.
xxxx
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy!" she yelled, "We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See?" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only go to D, but I went all the way to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G! See?" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 24."
xxxx
What do women and dog turds have in common?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up!
xxxx
When Billy was just 4 years old he saw his first tractor, as his dad sighed at having to pace behind the big farm machine, a young Billy was captivated by its size, noise, smell and colour. By the age of 6 he had amassed a large collection of toy tractors in all sizes and when he was 8 his parents bought him a push around toy tractor which he had plenty of fun with right up to the age of 12 or so. Billy really loved tractors; so much in fact, he took up a part time job at 15, clearing up stables on a farm. He didn't care for horses, or their poop, but he loved his job cos he could spend many sunny hours idling away staring at the tractors at work. When Billy turned 17 his parents got him possibly the greatest gift he could wish for, they stumped up for his tractor drivers license, which he passed in 1 week, and his own personal shiny, red tractor. He fell in love instantly and drove it everywhere, even to school, but on the eve of his 19th birthday something terrible happened. On one of his country tractor trips, Billy ran over a sheep and the tractor rolled over, crushing his spine and neck. Billy was plunged into a coma and the doctors feared he would never walk again. Thankfully, several years after the accident, Billy was released from hospital fit and healthy after a long, hard recovery. When he got back into his own bedroom he suddenly broke down, screaming and cowering in the corner...Billy had developed a severe, paralyzing fear of tractors, psychologists obviously singled out the accident as the cause for this. A few (tractor free) weeks later, Billy's parents took him out to the towns best restaurant for a meal to celebrate his recovery. During their desert, without warning, a fire broke out in the kitchen and quickly raged into the dining area, surrounding all the customers and staff in a fiery circle of destruction. Suddenly, Billy began to take a huge, gasping breath, sucking the air from the room so rapidly the temperature dropped suddenly, and eventually the fire was starved of oxygen and extinguished. The customers in the restaurant cheered and clapped wildly for Billy had saved their lives, his parents stared on, gob smacked by what he had done.
His dad, puzzled, asked "How did you do that Billy, to which he replied... "well it's simple really...I'm an ex-tractor fan"
xxxx
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor"
xxxx
A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!" "Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster. The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.' "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man. "Rustling."
xxxx
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mamma and Pappa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Pappa bear, he beats me up"
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Pappa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "The Teddy bears who come from Glasgow."
"You're sure they will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Teddy Bears don't beat anybody."
xxxx
Q Why are pirates called pirates?
A Because they arrr
xxxx
Did you hear who won the Bangkok marathon?
I heard it was a Thai.
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A south African Loses there leg in an accident working in a gold mine, I'm beat now he says, "Who would want a one legged gold digger?" ME! - SHOUTS PAUL McCartney....
xxxx
Q - What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
A - Pat.
xxxx
What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in.
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A man drove into a service station, with two penguins in the back seat of his car. The station attendant asked, "What are you doing with those penguins in your back seat?"
"I don't know. They were there when I got in the car this morning. Got any ideas?"
"Well, you could take them to the zoo."
"Good idea!" said the driver, appreciatively.
A few days later the man was back with the same two penguins. Surprised, the attendant said, "I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo."
"I did and we had a great time. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
xxxx
Come on - How much is she going to make!!!!
xxxx
A man was driving along in his car when he reached a part of the road that had been flooded with water. The man hesitated whether to go through the water or not as he couldn't tell how deep the water was. Just then he saw an old countryman standing by the side of the road. "Excuse me sir" said the man "Do you know how deep the water is?"
"Oh not very deep" said the countryman "You'll be alright to drive through it." The man set off through the water, but his car was engulfed with water and completely filled with water. The man scrambled out and back to the edge of the water. He turned to the countryman and said "You idiot! I thought you said that water wasn't deep."
"Yes its funny that" said the countryman "It only reaches halfway up on those ducks over there!"
xxxx
Police cordoned off Glasgow City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
xxxx
A bloke came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it! She blows her top! "You b*****d
You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"
xxxx
2 mokeys in the bath.
One says "OOO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOO"
The other says "Well put some cold in then."
xxxx
A white horse walks into a pub and orders a beer.
The landlord says 'Do you know I have a whiskey named after you?
Horse ' A whiskey called Colin?'
xxxx
Walked into the pub the other night and there was Vincent Van Goch at the bar. "All right mate" I said, "want a pint?" "No your alright", he said, "I've got one ear!"
xxxx
William Shakespeare walks into a pub. The landlord says "Get out, you're bard".
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Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"
xxxx
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
xxxx
A bloke keeps ringing me and singing 'Stand And Deliver' down the line.
I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant!
xxxx
Quasimodo is running down the street, there are loads of kids chasing after him he stops turns and says "look, beat it I've no got yer ball"
xxxx
Woman takes her rabbit to the vet as it's not been feeling well for some time. The vet takes one look at the rabbit and informs the owner that the best thing to do would be to put it down. He said he would do this but there would be a charge of £35. The woman is not happy with his diagnosis and asks for a second opinion. The vet leaves the rooms and two minutes later arrives back with a dog. The dog jumps up on the table and after a few seconds of examining the rabbit shakes it's head as if to say call it a day. The woman is still not happy and insists on a third opinion. The vet leaves the rooms and two minutes later arrives back this time with a cat. The cat leaps on to the table and rubs it paws over the poor rabbit. After a short pause (excuse the pun) the cat indiciates that there is no hope for the rabbit and it would be best to put it down. The woman finally agrees to her rabbit being put down but is astounded when the vet now announces that the cost will be £150. When she questions the vet about the cost he explains that the extra cost is for the LAB RESULTS and the CATSCAN.
xxxx
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?
Apparently he was out standing in his field.
xxxx
Michael Jackson is in his hotel room, discussing his case with his lawyer. After a few hours, his lawyer says to him: "We need to relax and take our minds off things, how about I go rent a DVD?" "That's a good idea," says Michael in his squeaky voice. "Shall I get Aladdin?" "No, just the DVD, I'm already in enough trouble."
xxxx
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter stopped him and asked if he could watch the gates whilst he went to the loo. Jesus agreed and began letting people in. After a few minutes he saw a stooped old man approaching. He was so old that he could barely walk, and his white beard ran down to the floor. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there. "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," said the old man. Jesus stares curiously at the wisened figure before him, "Father...?" he asked. The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio...?" |
